By EK Wills
In perfect timing for Father’s Day, an article in the SMH inspired me to expand on the theory that father’s have their own language.
If you haven’t heard already, Men Are From Mars and Women Are From Venus.
What this refers to is John Gray’s premise that the fundamental issues in relationships stem from psychological differences between the sexes. Even decades after this book was first a best seller, it is still valid.
If you take this a step further, it stands to reason that there is also a way that fathers then speak with their offspring that may miss the mark if it is not understood for it’s intent.
Richard Glover refers to comments on checking the oil in the car or chores around the house/garden/car.
In our household it was more about what career you would choose.
- “You don't want to do a Mickey Mouse degree”, referring to the arts, translates into ‘your future is important to me’.
- And when he says “You need to study something that will give you a job at the end of it” really means ‘I want you to be happy in the future’.
And it had other idiosyncrasies, too, like when you ask him a question and he pauses for a very long time, holding you in suspense, it really means 'I don’t know but I’m trying to buy some time to think of something'.
One of the complaints my sister and I had was that the topic of discussion was always the other siblings. It stands to reason since they are the common link and if you don't actually see your family regularly then they are supplying an update of everyone, which could translate to ‘I miss you’.
The most obvious thing to ask is “How are you going?” but that seems to come out in more of a monologue about himself and the question never seems to surface.
If you really want to push the point, then you have to bring up your recent accomplishments yourself but even better if you can move past it because it not going to happen by itself.
Gary Chapman in his book on love languages, spells out five ways we communicate our love in all relationships.
He labels them as:
Gift Giving,
Quality Time,
Physical Touch,
Acts of Service (Devotion) and
Words of Affirmation.
It would seem that Dads generally speak the language of Acts of Service by solving your problems for you (wait, that’s all men, isn’t it?), guiding you towards the future, reminding you of jobs you need to do (to be safe) and for tending chores in your new apartment or rundown house (again for safety).
There is a quiz to work out which one you use for children, teens, couples and singles… but hasn't included Dads. Maybe that is the topic for a sequel.
Today is Father’s Day and now my kids have their father to learn his Dad Speak. He tends to be the ‘retreat into a cave’ type that is mentioned in Men Are From Mars. The five love languages don't cover that so it will be interesting to see how they interpret his language.
Happy Father's Day!
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