by EK Wills
This week I metaphorically fell on my face when I was trying to do too much and tripped on my own eagerness.
I was going to write about a fabulous birthday party idea but got sidetracked because I think I was trying to be the super mum:
- organize a cost effective, creative, fun birthday party
- plus juggle an extra job to earn more money because we live in an unsustainable city,
- while at the same time, trying to tend to my health.
And that is only scratching the surface.
I suffer from terminal perfectionism. I want it all and I want it yesterday plus I want it done right. So as soon as I have time to actually take a breath and slow down, what do I do? Exactly! I do more.
But I have iron deficiency anaemia, which physically tires me and tries to thwart the momentum. So I decided to start seeing what I could do about it – which probably means I will need surgery – and have been jumping through hoops to make it happen.
At the same time, I thought I was supporting my kids as much as possible in our busy lives.
-I set an alarm at 8pm to ensure that my youngest has reading time with me for half an hour before bed.
-I have been researching growth issues with paediatricians for my short stature teen and trying to support her emotional fallout during this process.
-And the icing on the cake, was spending hours to organize a homegrown murder mystery party in the vein of Pretty Little Liars only to discover that it’s not wanted.
It’s actually fine to not do the party because I can take a breather, but when my boss started telling me how to fix my life, I had a meltdown.
Unfortunately, I didn’t do it at him but in the comfort of my own home, after I’d had time to process why I was feeling so miserable. And I think it’s because I feel powerless.
I remember a great line from the movie Fight Club that said “We've all been raised on television to believe that one day we'd all be millionaires, and movie gods, and rock stars. But we won't. And we're slowly learning that fact” but I haven’t learnt it yet.
I’m still convinced that my break will come, that I’ll do something amazing, that someone will notice something that I haven’t or that I’ll be able to buy a house in Sydney…
And what burns me the most, is that we’re supposed to feel good about ourselves to make good things happen. And not feel cheated when we can’t buy a house when foreigners can. And not feel hopeless when we’re still grinding away at the wheel and doing the same shit every day to replace tired things rather than get ahead. Whatever you do, though, don’t complain about it!
I’m tired. I’m mad. But even worse. I’m stumped. I don’t know what to do about it. And we wonder why lotto is becoming people’s go-to as an option for change?
Then I happened to see a clip from a TED Talk on Emotional Agility by psychologist, Susan David, who was talking about the positivity movement. She made the observation that our emotions are there to guide us. If we ignore them, or push them down then we have missed an opportunity to discover what it is that is upsetting us and an opportunity to explore why. Plus we teach our kids to not feel which seems like a backward step in our evolution.
If we can’t shout and scream our pain, there are methods to work through emotions, like writing like nobody’s reading (I’m feeling better already) or crying (did that first) or talking (an emotional soundboard is fantastic).
Not all work for everyone and it takes time to find what works for you. Interestingly, I’m a talker but have found that writing allows me to organise my thoughts to get clarity.
Now I can face today and have taken a quote from Susan to remember “Emotions are data – emotions contain flashing lights to things we care about”.
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