By EK Wills
This week we had our first family meeting in a long time.
When the idea was floated, our middle child piped up and claimed that “it didn’t work before”, to which I suggested that it was worth trying again since failure does not mean defeat. I got a look and a shrug.
So this time we started with a look at Clean Communication.
It is usually used for couples to teach them how to talk to each other without blaming, accusing and to be able to figure out what each person needs. But there’s no reason it cant be extrapolated to families.
The 10 points outline what to not do as well as what is effective but I wanted to make it visual so it would be easier for kids to visualize while we then went through the list and explained examples to make sure they understand.
This was the basis of our family meetings and within that we will bring up things that need to be discussed from the previous week, topics to be clarified, rulings for the family and plans to change.
But we will only bring up one item a week. This one was screen time. (eyeroll)
It was important to look at why everyone was getting upset about screens.
1. we have strict rules about times on screens
2. as parents we have to enforce those rules, constantly
3. we get pushback and sneaky behavior as a result
4. everyone gets upset, cranky and no one is happy about it
So we first outlined why parents want to establish rules for screens
1. screens are addictive and its our job as parents to help kids not get sucked into the vortex
2. studies and guidelines for kids development all recommend maximum of 2 hours screen time a day
3. there are always blowouts on screen time because it is so easy to lose track of time and get sidetracked
All this logic was promptly ignored by the kids who demanded to have autonomy and to prove they are capable of working it out themselves.
This provided the opportunity for us to remind them that we have tried this before and discovered some members of the offspring community up at 2am watching secretly in their room. And further chance to explore everyone’s reactions to these sorts of discoveries.
The Triangle of Conflict neatly explains how our feelings fit into our behaviour. By having a strong emotional feeling about something it creates anxiety and in order to reduce that anxiety we develop defenses.
There are many sorts of defences such as suppressing our emotions so we don't have to feel how angry we are at our kids not listening to us…again. Or we could be passive-aggressive and slam drawers and kitchen cupboards because we don't know how to change things.
Some defenses are reactionary or impulsive and some are more developed. In this case, we eventually came to the more mature approach by turning it into a learning experience so the family will hopefully work together, troubleshoot and come to a mutual decision.
In the end, we agreed to a week’s trial of no reminders and no prompts but for the parents to keep mental track of what happens. To be revisited at the next family meeting in a week.
Devices are still banned from bedrooms after dinner, though.
For more on the Triangle of Conflict, check out this explanation.
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