By EK Wills
As this year takes off, there are changes in kids’ lives, and our own, that require us to re-adjust.
It could be a child starting school, moving into high school, or even senior years of high school. All these phases present new challenges for the whole family, not just the child moving on to the next stage of development.
And when there are siblings, there are different stages which present cohesion challenges for everyone in the family – including how parents approach it.
Our latest challenge involved the middle child shifting into teenage mode, leaving the younger child to fend for himself without a playmate, but the older child gaining a confidante.
This highlights that each change can bring pros and cons so it comes down to how the family unit processes it and passes into it. And when there are blended families, this provides another level of negotiation and sensitivity that we sometimes feel we don’t possess.
At this point, we can lose our way, feel overwhelmed and possibly not behave as we would normally. We can feel insecure about what we are doing and not provide the continuity and strength that kids look to us for.
But if we process what is going on for us, and others, in the family unit, we can find a way out, in order to re-establish equilibrium again.
The danger is to not process it, get upset and angry because we feel inadequate and start directing our anger at others within the family. It could be a parent yelling at a child, children squabbling, or even carers turning on each other.
Adjustment disorder
Adjustment disorder is classified as a condition with the following simplified criteria:
1. The development of emotional or behavioral symptoms due to a stressor(s)
2. Significant due to:
a. Marked distress out of proportion to the stressor,
b. Significant impairment of functioning.
3. Time limited and not related to another illness or grief
We may not fit the criteria categorically but it can feel we are lacking control and directionless while we are not clear about what is happening and/or what to do about it.
How to approach family change:
1. Family meeting to help to gauge everyone’s perspective.
If children are too young, then parents can discuss what is happening to see what the agreed approach will be.
2. Implement structure to assist with stability.
Structure can be a list of things to do to get ready for school or chores that need doing every afternoon. It could be family expectations such as how we talk to each other or relate. These can be generated by parents and discussed in a family meeting situation.
3. Talk to someone outside the circle.
Sometimes everyone is intensely involved and subjectively unable to see the big picture. This is when it can be beneficial to talk to someone else. It could be a trusted friend in order to gain a different perspective. Or it could be a health professional such as a GP or mental health practitioner such as in family therapy.
We have used all three approaches at different times with different levels of success: sometimes utilising all three techniques at once. But each time it has proven to be a phase that we have moved through and developed as a family.
However you decide to approach it is better than ignoring it and hoping it will go away. Sometimes doing nothing works but generally active intervention improves things more satisfactorily.
Good luck on the rollercoaster of parenthood.
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