I’ve been beating myself up today, wracking my brain to figure out what I want to do to change my life.
Then I came across an article in the Sydney morning Herald that stung my eyes as well as my heart.
It was a piece about troubled women, by Elizabeth Farrelly, where she points out the disparity between men and women. Even now, she says, men are seen to deal with the troubles of the world where women are seen to be tortured inside for attempting the same.
This may all be still the case, but what really brought it home to me was her revelation about situations that demand confidence. In order to feel confident, she has received the advice to act like a man and translates this to mean “overestimate your skills and capacities, (and) underestimate your flaws”.
Then I had a flash of recognition because just last night when socializing with work colleagues, I had thought the exact same thing, ”If I were more confident then I would be more successful.”
I immediately stopped myself after thinking it, to remind myself that I have done some amazing things: travelled the world, completed 3 tertiary qualifications including a medical degree, parenting 3 children….
I shouldn’t have to justify myself to me but it seems to be an annoying habit. I ritualize gratitude statements and remind myself how lucky I am, only to be drawn back to that feeling, ”If I were more confident then I would be more successful.”
To see it in black and white meant that I am not the only one that feels this way and, even better than that, others appear to have this dilemma, too.
It seems to be a torment divined for women because, as Elizabeth Farrelly says, “oestrogen makes you think your arse looks big in this dress”. Plainly stated, we appear to internalize our thoughts, have the capacity to be humble and consider our capacity in the world around us.
That’s not to say that we can’t and don’t function in a patriarchal society (after all, we have testosterone too) but maybe that’s why we still don’t have many female leaders and why people are so shocked to see one when we do.
Similarly, when placed in a system dominated by old men, when women question the structure, as I’ve been known to do, it is frowned upon more readily than if it were a male.
Maybe in my case, I phrased it the wrong way or maybe it was bad timing. It may have been too early as a junior or a new member of the team but… oh wait, this is starting to sound like I need some confidence!
At least there is some visibility in the form of the #MeToo campaign where overt cases of sexism are being revealed. Let’s not forget though, that while men are, on the whole, not interested in women’s stories or points of view, they will never get equal pay. How many men do you know that like to watch ‘chick flicks’?
And what about those little office ploys of patronizing looks or pats on the hand by those in power that deem themselves to have to tolerate women’s sensitivities?
Julia Gillard has commented that in her final speech as prime minister after being voted out by her party, she determined not to cry in order “to be resilient one more time”.
Why shouldn’t she cry? It’s an incredibly stressful and emotional situation …but it is taboo to acknowledge that fact.
Maybe when people are accepting of open displays of emotion, then the time will be ripe for equality. Until then, I think a good cry can help clear the emotions to pick yourself up and think of a plan.
If you would like to know more about the #MeToo campaign, head to: https://au.reachout.com/tough-times/me-too
When I wrote this, the MeToo movement had commenced and it was a time that women felt like they could actually start to have a voice. While overt mysogyny is not always evident, micro aggressions and lack of understanding add layers of complexity to the situation. I still have white male colleagues who believe that the pay gap does not exist and that it is a woman's choice.
This latest development with the Depp/Heard court case will have far reaching consequences for power imbalance cases where a woman's character will continue to be scrutinised, judged and sentenced: and we are still none the wiser to the true nature of a relationship.