By EK Wills
“I can only find myself in and between me and my fellows in a human conversation” Robert Hobson
This week I discovered The Long Conversation. That is to say, I learned about it(1) and it seemed to fit like a glove.
I have always been a talker and the idea that conversation can be so useful and necessary resonated well with me.
We as humans live in a world of language and symbols as much as we do in a world of immediate physical surroundings. As such, all human interactions have significance and there are countless relationships, voices and conversations that contribute to the development of ‘self’. Robert Hobson, an English psychiatrist looked at conversations in his practice and saw how the variation of conversation affects a person’s sense of being and went on to devise The Long Conversation model.
The basis is that selves get realised through language by the combination and realisation of speech in conversation. This sounds confusing but can be thought of in the following way:
When there is a break in the process of communication in someone’s life, this can have a lasting effect on a person’s life story. There are many forms that this takes but using the analogy of story we can see the effects.
- If you feel you have no story, this equates to not living.
- When life becomes scripted, then you feel enslaved.
- If you feel life is chronicled, it reveals a sense of passivity, that you have no control over your life.
- Similarly, when you have your own narrative of your life, you enjoy a sense of agency and independent ability.
- Finally, when you are able to reflect on your story, you become the author of your life.
Because of this, growth and change can occur with exchange of communication. Russell Meares, the Australian developer of The Long Conversation therapy model, talks about the “…self, which is private, grows in the public domain”.
The idea is that by encouraging a form of conversation called ‘aloneness-togetherness’, the self can grow to feel recognised, accepted and understood as who you are. And that’s what we all strive for.
This is usually facilitated through psychodynamic psychotherapy in a therapeutic relationship. But I also feel that it can be practiced in our personal relationships. Using empathetic listening in our interactions with others and developing a common feeling language both facilitate this idea. By really listening to others in our conversations we validate them to make them feel the way we would like to feel when others listen to us.
Plus I can now talk till the cows come home and feel I am contributing to the narration of my life.
(1) lecture by Anthony Korner, Director, Westmead Psychotherapy Program, Sydney Medical School
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