By EK Wills
Has anyone ever come up to you in the street or the supermarket and told you what you should be doing with your baby?
This seems to be a regular occurrence. Many new mums report that unsolicited advice is offered by strangers telling them all sorts of ways to be a better carer.
I remember struggling with the shopping and standing in a queue with the pram and being told by a random shopper that I would suffocate my child because I had a muslin wrap draped over the hood to shield her from the light.
I was struck dumb in that moment and unable to defend my position because they had walked away.
I recently started seeing new mums in a post natal depression clinic and have found there is significant anxiety around going out with their newborns. Not because they are juggling baby and chores but because of the judgements they feel they endure for their parenting.
There is concern about breastfeeding in public, or conversely for not breastfeeding and using a bottle. Judgement can be passed on whether your child is crying, how you deal with the crying and how much of a disturbance you create.
Some of it can be attributed to anxiety and self-consciousness. But there is the sense that women feel alone and unsure about what they are doing. Any eyes on them can be perceived as judgement but they are also the receivers of stares or disapproving looks based on their child’s behaviour.
The latest model for baby settling is to be ‘relaxed’ and not stick to a rigid timetable like previous recommendations. But if that doesn’t work for you, then it can be hard to speak up and get the help you need.
I want to tell these women that it gets better but then I reflect that mother’s groups can be competitive – who can get their baby to sleep through the night first, who has the best baby, whose is cutest, whose is meeting the milestones, etc, etc.
It doesn’t end there. School playgrounds are still full of cliques: who is involved the most with the P&C, whose child wins the most races/gets the most awards/goes into the gifted and talented stream. It can sometimes feel like being back at school yourself.
It takes a village to raise a child but we are all currently more isolated in our nuclear families, disjointed from family that often live far away. It takes courage to speak up and admit you don’t know what you’re doing or that your child doesn’t sleep or you can’t breastfeed.
Well-meaning family can offer suggestions and advice that can be taken as judgements and then sometimes they actually are misplaced comments.
What we can be sure of, is that, regardless of which decision you make, someone will disagree. The key is to be able to listen to the advice and differing expertise of others and then find what works for you. If it is approached as an adjustment phase then maybe it wont seem so daunting.
It may take some trial and error and it may take some time, but once you have a plan in mind, then it does get better. If you feel you know which way you are headed, it will help your resolve and your newfound confidence is what helps children to feel secure.
Of course, it will change and be modified as your child grows and moves into new phases. It will take a period of adjustment while you find the right path for your family.
So it is okay to admit that times need reflection and re-adjustment in order to move forward and that sometimes we need more help than we thought we would.
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