by The MotherMind Doctor
The popular viewpoint of parentification is to be a perfectionist, a people pleaser, a workaholic who takes on too much responsibility and then struggles to relax. It can be difficult to set boundaries and say no to other requests. These aspects all feel true to me and similarly I would say I’m a creative problem solver who can be fiercely determined and independent.
Parent medication is a term that’s used to describe the role reversal of parents and children. It occurs when the child takes on developmentally inappropriate levels of responsibility in the family. It is a term first outlined by psychiatrists Ivan Boszermenyi-Nagy and Geraldine M Spark, in their book about family relationships.
Clear boundaries between parents and children are vital to positive development. When some parental rules are assumed in a time limited manner, they contributions are appreciated and this situation may be adaptive. It can provide opportunities for coping skills and self-reliance, contributing to healthy identity formation and improve self-esteem.
On the other hand, when children are forced to take on task beyond their developmental abilities without adequate support this can be linked to poor outcomes and higher incidents of depression, anxiety addiction, and many other consequences.
There are various aspects to this role reversal such as instrumental (responsibilities maintaining the household) and emotional (tending the emotional needs of family members) and looking at the various roles that can be assumed (the role of child takes on such as becoming a parent to care for their own parents, parents or siblings or even a spouse to their parents).
There are countless reasons why parents are unable to fulfil their role or why children are forced to assume these roles, commonly it could be parental illness (physical or mental) or loss (death, divorce or crises), dysfunctional family dynamics (domestic violence) and migration.
Studies show that parentification is a worldwide phenomenon and individual characteristics such as rejection sensitivity and attachment style can influence the outcome of parentification. Boszermenyi-Nagy and Geraldine M Spark proposed in their work that, when parentification is pathological, a child might grow into an adult with attachment issues in their other relationships and these could possibly lead them back into the same pattern with their own children.
Parent notification does not just occur in low socio economic countries and can be seen in first world countries in households with both parents working, single parents, financial hardships or chronic health conditions.
My own experience of parentification occurred after my parents divorced. I have clear memories of being told that it was expected I was to be the mature one in the relationship with my mother. She was a single mum working full-time with two daughters to provide for. My father was busy with a new family and a flourishing business so my complaints were minimised to create a level of expectation around my behaviour.
I also recall moments when I had to come home to care for my younger siblings when my father was too distracted by an important meeting and had left them home alone, which I had only discovered after calling home for something else.
My interpretation of this helps to explain my need to take on responsibility for others, often at the expense of my own needs, and even at times not being able to identify what I need in a situation.
A 2011 meta-analysis of 12 studies based on self report found a positive link with adult eating disorders, personality disorders, and anxiety. My own anxious attachment, whether developed from this experience or already established, led to adopting a role of maturity as a coping strategy for acceptance and value. This is something I am still working on and, with awareness, can more effectively process.
As a parent myself, I aim to instil skills in my own children by having clear routines and responsibilities that will hopefully develop healthy, positive skills as they mature. Of course, we all have moments of need for occasional emotional support from our kids which can hopefully further develop emotional skills.
By reflecting on our developmental situations, reactions and interpretations of them, and the patterns we repeat, we can hopefully see a way to acceptance. My therapist reminds me of the wisdom of Oscar Wilde: “Children begin by loving their parents: as they grow older, they judge them: sometimes they forgive them.”
For a lighter look at role reversals, Freaky Friday has mother psychiatrist and daughter Lindsay Lohan, switch bodies as a way to understand each other’s perspective. Hopefully, we don’t need such interventions for us to be able to look at things from different perspectives.
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