By EK Wills
I recently heard that perfectionism in a child can be related to having an authoritarian and critical parent.
And since there are traces of perfectionism in our family, it prompted me explore it.
In looking at parenting styles, there is a mountain of research on theories, stages, approaches and interpretations.
One common approach, sometimes called the Baumrind or Maccoby and Martin parenting styles (because they all contributed to the model), is based on two parameters. How demanding parents are of behavior and their responsiveness to their children.
This has resulted in 4 basic categories that parents can be identified with along with some crossover.
1. Authoritative: high demands and high responsiveness “because I said so”
2. Authoritation: high demands but low responsiveness – firm but respectful with active listening
3. Permissive or Indulgent: low demands but high responsiveness– avoids confrontation
4. Neglectful or Uninvolved: low demands and low responsiveness – little communication
There are many sites that outline what the specifics of these are but from many years of study, authoritative parenting style is considered the best and most effective parenting style by psychologists and psychiatrists as it builds positive relationships.
On top of that, there are many other parenting styles such as attachment, positive, slow, dolphin and toxic and the circle of security.
One literature review states that parenting practices such as parental support, monitoring and firm boundaries appear to be linked to higher school grades, less behavior problems and better mental health (Spera, Christopher (1 June 2005). "A Review of the Relationship Among Parenting Practices, Parenting Styles, and Adolescent School Achievement". Educational Psychology Review. 17 (2): 125–146.)
In addition, there are other factors that come into play such as a child’s temperament, the culture they live in and genetics.
Judith Rich Harris, an independent scholar, in The Nurture Assumption, goes on to say the effects of different forms of parenting are all illusions due to heredity, the culture at large, and children's own influence on how their parents treat them.
And there are also those that say development wants to happen and only stark environments hinder this (Furedi, Frank (2001). Paranoid Parenting: Why Ignoring the Experts May Be Best for Your Child. Allen Lane. p. 240).
It can be confusing to analyse how you parent and how society thinks you should parent. This is further complicated by the fact there are often two of you that need to negotiate how to best approach it and maintain your relationship as a couple at the same time.
I know I’ve certainly found that whatever works for one stage and maybe even one child, changes after a period of time and has to be revisited.
In a lecture I attended, a paediatrician put it beautifully, when she said that ultimately parenting can come down to 3 P’s.
1. Keep Perspective
2. Don’t take it Personally
3. It won’t Persist
For further information on aspects to parenting such as the circle of security concept, follow this link:
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