By EK Wills
Why do we feel the need to take on others’ opinions?
Today I went to pick out a new pair of glasses and I took someone along to assist the process, who I consider to be a good judge of style aka my husband.
Most of the options were dull and I was looking for something with more spark. My support person was choosing different ones to me and it was taking a long time. The sales assistant was most helpful, upsold me to a fancy frame, and I walked away feeling slightly uneasy.
What I concluded was, that the ones I initially liked had not been chosen and, that I had compromised with what all three of us thought to get it done.
But why did I allow it? I’m an independent person yet I felt I had conceded to the influence of others.
There were several issues to consider; cost being a major factor, as well as what specifications were ultimately needed. But the frames were purely an aesthetic that related to my current irritable mood, the need to do something different, balanced by the limitations of what would suit my face.
On the way home, I heard Billy Joel sing:
I don't need you to worry for me 'cause I'm alright I don't want you to tell me it's time to come home I don't care what you say anymore this is my life Go ahead with your own life leave me alone
and I wondered why I didn't act that way?
I recently experienced a colleague deriding my profession in generalizations while I was coincidentally supporting theirs. Initially I was surprised since I actually come from a different field and do not consider myself to be fully planted in a particular one. It was only after reflecting on the interaction that I came to appreciate she mostly encounters that prejudice so was pre-empting it.
At the time, I became angry until I could step back and see that she was defending her position based on experience and although she may have been able to predict that I would respond differently, we tend to be hardwired to learn from experience.
We spend so much time concerned about what others think when ultimately it’s us that have to live with our decisions.
When we allow others to tell us how to do things, or give their opinions, while not directly considering ours, we feel unsatisfied.
And in the age of social influencers telling us what to buy, wear, like and listen to, it’s little wonder we don't trust our own judgments at times.
So how to we work out what we really want?
Essential Lifeskills says that to make a good decision there are several steps.
1 identify objectives
2 gather facts
3 brainstorm options
4 weigh the possibilities
5 list the pros and cons
6 get opinions and feedback
7 decide and monitor results
Not every decision needs a list. I had already done my homework and looked at options before entering the optometrist with my opinion person for feedback. I made my decision given the variables and now I need to monitor the results when I get the glasses back in a week.
Utlimately, I had unconsciously followed the decision tree but wasn't feeling as confident about the choice at the time because it required compromise. But sometimes, that’s life.
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