by EK Wills
I’ve never been good at taking compliments but like to give them freely.
Even when I consciously say to myself that I will try and accept them, someone will give me a sneaky compliment and I mumble some excuse to negate it. Like last weekend when a colleague asked me my secret to a youthful appearance, I muttered something about my Chinese heritage and quickly changed the subject.
But I have one friend who is very good at accepting compliments and I realised that it makes you feel good to give when they are received enthusiastically. Luckily, after my last fumble, I was more prepared when another friend commented on my appearance today and I replied “Thank you!” in a gregarious manner.
We need to be able to give and receive compliments. If you think of it like Newtons’ Law: to every action there is an equal and opposite reaction. The pendulum swings back and balances opposing forces. If it doesn’t swing back, what happens? It is likely to create chaos – get tangled, smash, flip over the top, go haywire. So it makes sense to consciously change our negative responses and really think about what it being offered.
This is easily seen with the way we behave with our children. When we berate them for not having a clean room or not doing as they are asked, we get negative energy back with pouts, stomping or crying. But complimenting what they do well or how much you appreciate their help, for example with making dinner, get a much better response – smiles plus hopefully more help! When we open ourselves to share these exchanges, our family, friends and those around us will feel inclined to share more, too, like accepting an invitation to help.
Some people want help but block avenues to get the help they ask for. I recently read an article that likened it to ordering from a waitress and then moving to another table – at another restaurant – before your order is delivered. So next time someone offers you a compliment pause and ask yourself, before you give your automatic reply: “Wait a minute – is this really what I think?” Then you can supply a more genuine answer.
Even if you don’t actually believe what that person is complimenting you about, it is worth reflecting on why. Sometimes it may be that you haven’t thought about it before. Or you may need to ‘fake it till you make it’ which means accepting the comment at face value for now and work on developing acceptance of it.
Step 1. Pause to think about what has been offered
Step 2. Think “Do I really believe this?”
Step 3. Let the comment sit with you for a moment
Step 4. Say “Thank you” while with eye contact
Step 5. If you genuinely believe it, add your own comment.
If not, try and accept the intention and feel grateful for it.
This will take practice but is well worth the effort to be able to enjoy receiving a compliment as much as you enjoy giving one.
Have a great day!
By E K Wills
Author and Mum
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