Unattainable Perfection | Managing Perfectionism

by The MotherMind Doctor

Perfection is actually a paradox—an ideal we can never reach.

Managing perfectionism is essential because perfection, with its flawless and complete accuracy, is unattainable. So why do we strive to attain it? Is it really the positive character trait we all need to achieve great things?

As with everything, a balance is required to strive for the best possible result and the ability to know when to let go of an anticipated outcome. Without this balance, perfectionists can have feelings of failure, shame and unworthiness trying to reach those lofty goals.

Perfectionism can be a learnt behaviour:

·       High-achievers often experience pressure to live up to their previous achievements.

·       Academic pressures drive kids to be over-achievers.

·       When you see people receiving accolades for their achievements in sports, social groups or hobbies, this drives more pressure to succeed.

·       Families can model perfectionism and by rewarding goals more than effort.

·       And insecure early attachments (related to the family environment you grew up in)

Some of these can cross over like when you bring home a maths test result of 99% and your parent asks “What went wrong for the 1%?” This would be academic pressure, family modelling perfectionism and perhaps adding to a sense of self perfection.

Mental health issues associated with ‘the need to control’ are prevalent in perfectionists. Issues such as obsessive-compulsive disorder, depression, anxiety, eating disorders and self harm. People with perfectionism can have a low sense of self-worth when their internalised pressure causes them to seek validation through achievements.

Perfectionism is defined in the DSM-V (diagnostic and statistical manual of mental disorders) which is the manual used by mental health professionals. It categorises perfectionism as a type of Obsessive Compulsive Personality Disorder with ‘rigid insistence on everything being flawless, perfect, without errors or faults, including one’s own and others’ performance; sacrificing of timeliness to ensure correctness in every detail; believing that there is only one right way to do things; difficulty changing ideas and/or viewpoint; and preoccupation with details, organisation and order”. 

There are strict criteria to meet and the condition must impact a person in their daily lives significantly, meaning it needs to be pathological or psychologically unhealthy.

It can lead to excessive time spent on tasks or the opposite problem of never starting- procrastinating due to fear of failure or not being able to finish.

This is an ongoing struggle in perfectionists. And holding on too tightly can mean it can impact other areas of our lives unintentionally such as relationships with family and friends. It can keep us preoccupied with our work and leave out connecting with family. It can lead to frustration and arguments.

At its worst, perfectionism can lead to impossible comparisons that eat away at self-esteem. This can be heightened in cultures where business acumen or success is the most highly praised. And it can lead to the ultimate harm to self and even loss of life.

Thankfully, perfectionism can also be necessary without being pathological.

We need doctors, for example, to be precise when conducting surgeries. In fact, there are many professions that attract people with these traits. I know that perfection comes up for me when I write ‘thorough’ reports, digging into the detail to get the full picture. While this can be positive for the quality of a report, it can also prevent clarity and timeliness if it becomes too excessive.

If you find it hard to balance, then seeking professional advice to learn strategies to manage thoughts and actions can really help. Sometimes, we can benefit from short term advice when things don’t go according to plan. I have my own therapist, which is recommended as a mental health professional. It covers work and personal aspects to keep me on track for those I then see.

When therapy is not enough on its own, there are medications that can support people while they learn these strategies. It doesn’t need to feel like a life sentence but can be valuable support while processing particular stressful periods or issues that come up.

The key here is to balance the aim with the expectation and to realise when to let go. Perhaps we can all take on a little of Elsa’s mantra and ‘let it go’ enough to find how it can work for us.