By The MotherMind Doctor
‘Attachment’ is something we hear about a lot. It is defined as a ‘lasting psychological connectedness between people’. But what is it and what do you do if you have ‘attachment issues’?
Attachment has an important role in predicting a person’s later social and emotional style. Other parent roles have not been shown to have as much an impact on any aspect of outcome (such as that of a roles such as teacher, disciplinarian, or even bonding as a carer).
The first year of life is the most fundamental because the infant is dependent on the carer and develops trust in this stage.
According to Erik Erikson (developmental psychologist), if a carer does not provide that care and love, the child will not successfully develop trust, resulting in fear and belief that the world is unpredictable. When enough trust is present then the child develops hope and an openness to experience.
As a child, attachment with a carer relates to the carer response to the child (infant) when they feel threatened, hurt, or upset. That is, when their ‘attachment system’ is activated.
This starts around 6 months of age, when babies can anticipate carers’ responses to their distress and then develop strategies for how to respond.
Attachment research led to the description of four categories in the work of John Bowlby (British psychologist) and Mary Ainsworth (psychologist):
Categories of Attachment:
1. Secure
If an infant experiences a parent response in a consistent and loving way by comforting a 6 month old in distress, the learnt response is that they are safe and so the they feel ‘secure’. This is the ideal scenario.
2. Avoidant
If an infant experiences a parent rejection when the child’s cries such as ignoring, ridiculing or becoming annoyed at them, a child could avoid their carer by hiding their distress and become ‘avoidant’.
It is still ‘organised’ because they know to avoid their carer to restore their sense of safety.
3. Resistant
If a child experiences a parent as unpredictable or inconsistent, such as being overwhelmed and increasing the child’s distress, or expects the child to be concerned about the parent’s distress, they can develop extreme, negative emotional responses of ‘resistant’ anger or distress to obtain attention.
It is still ‘organised’ because they know to resist their carer but ‘insecure’ due to the associated risk of developing social and emotional issues.
4. Disorganised
“Disorganised’ attachment can develop when a child is exposed to ‘atypical’ behaviours in the carer such as frightening, sexualised or atypical behaviours at any time (not just when children are distressed). Some evidence suggests there is often unresolved trauma in the carer. In this case, the reactions are ‘disorganised’ because they don’t develop consistent strategies to react to the carer and can ‘freeze’ or have contradictory responses towards the carer and are at risk of developing dissociative responses when older.
Stages of ‘how and when’ attachments develop over time were further detailed by Rudolph Schafffer and Peggy Emerson:
asocial (before 6 weeks)
indiscriminate (up to 7 months)
specific (7-9 months) with a primary carer by showing separation anxiety.
multiple attachments (10 to 18 months), with grandparents, siblings, and people who respond sensitively to them
As an adult, the attachment style from childhood is associated with emotional resilience, self esteem and social skills. While this does not guarantee becoming an emotionally adjusted adult, it is a fundamental start to good mental health. It is not a diagnosis but serves as a way to understand your responses and motivations that play out in relationships and coping styles.
Someone who does not have a naturally secure style can behave in anxious, ambivalent or unpredictable ways:
Signs of avoidant attachment:
- avoid making friends
- Struggle to accept criticism
- Find it difficult to ask for help in times of need,
- prefer to be alone or independent
- Dislike touch or physical closeness
Signs of anxious/abmivalent attachment:
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- Viewed by others as clingy or needy
- Crave close relationships but feel unable to trust others
- Problems with boundaries
- Require Constant validation and reassurance
- Feel jealous or anxious when separated from your partner
Signs of disorganised attachment:
- No real coping strategies
- Unable to deal with the World
- Outbursts and erratic behaviour
- Paul self image and self hatred
For example, I worked out I craved attention when my parents were preoccupied with their own challenges. This is to say that my experience of perceived rejection led to intense jealousies and seeking out unhealthy friendships. But my upbringing also encouraged independence to the point I wanted to leave home (and the country for a period), to seek change and, largely, to avoid those feelings. I was very angry and still find it difficult to accept criticism which can present in current relationships.
For those who have insecure attachment styles themselves, you can learn to change behaviour patterns. Usually this work is conducted with a therapist to develop skills to improve relationships and build sufficient security not experienced as a child.
Thankfully, my line of work encourages practitioners to have their own therapists and I have found a trusted colleague who supervises and explores these past patterns with me.
This is not to say that developing an insecure attachment is assigning blame. It could be a mismatch of parenting styles to child needs or lack of knowledge around parenting requirements.
For parents who are interested in finding the balance of their child’s needs and theirs, the Circle of Security program offers an intervention program to support carers so they can support their child in that developmental period of life.
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