By E K Wills
Why do we get up every day, go to work/school, suffer the setbacks and strive for goals?
Usually it’s because we want to, we are driven to do this and we are motivated by a biological sense of need.
But what happens when the chemicals in the brain don’t function this way? And medication doesn't seem to help?
What if you can be surrounded by positivity, opportunity and even success but not feel it?
This is what happened in the maternal side of my family last week. A man, who had battled this feeling since teen years, and spent another 20 years of fighting the urge, then tragically ended his life.
To onlookers, he was surrounded by psychologically minded people, supportive parents, wife and friends and had everything to live for. But for him, it is clear now that he endured a period of blackness, where he couldn’t find a way to even get out of bed, before he found the energy to end it all.
In his wake, he leaves his three children, his wife, who could blame herself for eternity because ‘what if she had found him earlier’ and a community of mourners because no man is an island and he had been a devoted community supporter. Then parents bereft because no parent wants to live to see a child die.
This is not the first time such an abrupt end to a life has occurred in my extended family.
The paternal side of my family has its roots in the traditional Chinese ethos of not showing weakness, being successful at all costs and certainly not discussing emotions. There is no consideration that this is a reality for many people nor that therapy is an option that could assist.
When my uncle on my father’s side took his life in his forties, the stigma of mental illness seemed even more oppressive. After death at his own hand, the family coped by telling jokes or justifying how he was never really good at life.
But male suicide is a serious issue, even in a place dubbed ‘the lucky country’. Men are more than three times as likely as women to complete suicide in Australia and whilst the overall rate has declined over the last decade, there is still a higher rate of middle and older age male suicide (approximately 4-6 times that of women).
No-one can say definitively why this is for individual cases. Sometimes it can be related to unemployment, or rural isolation or inability to express pain emotionally. Sometimes it can be a chemical imbalance.
Of course this is an oversimplification but the fact remains that there is still strong stigma attached to death by suicide.
Friends and family suddenly don’t know what to say and may keep their distance at a time when those closest to the person passed need help the most.
Acquaintances avoid eye contact in the street for fear of not knowing what to say or whether those affected want help or to be left alone.
Many times I’ve heard comments from family members of mental health suffers that there is no real problem; that the person affected just needs to get on with things, get a job or get laid. I spoke to someone recently who revealed that her friends had shunned her for declaring her ‘mental instability’. This is part of the stigma issue facing mental health sufferers all the time.
There is no answer or quick fix but if we can show compassion and empathy for those that need the support, it can go a little way to breaking down the defenses or decreasing the level of stigma attached to mental health issues. And maybe we can help someone just a little.
In loving memory.
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